I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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