My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
