dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
