You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
