Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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