You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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