I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
