Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
