there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
