Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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