When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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