I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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