Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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