yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
