I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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