dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
