You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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