I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
