My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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