that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
