you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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