When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Is it because I queefed?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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