did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
