he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
