i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize