I'm gonna have a badass scar
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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