i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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