non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize