I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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