Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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