does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
