I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
