Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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