Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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