We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
