I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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