She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
