remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
