i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
