Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
