connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
