so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
