I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
