Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
