I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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