Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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