Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
