I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
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