everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
