She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
