At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
