Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
