I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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