Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
