apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
