In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
