I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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