i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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