You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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