Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
